Miscarriage affects 1 in 4 women and today marks the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week.
I’m one of those women and as hard as this has been to write I think it’s really important to talk about.
I want to be really honest, I was in two minds whether to even blog about this as my miscarriage was at an early stage. There is part of me that feels like I’m not qualified to talk about it as I can in no way compare my loss to someone who loses a baby much further on. I can’t even begin to imagine how traumatic that must be.
But I don’t actually think it’s about comparing loss as if it’s a competition. I just think that the more open we are about our experiences the more women might feel like they aren’t alone in what can be the loneliest experience of your life.
Maybe one of the reason’s people don’t talk about miscarriage is because it’s so difficult to explain to someone who has never experienced it. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Everyone experiences loss differently.
I think the hardest part of dealing a miscarriage is that no one else can share that grief with you.
When a person dies the loss is felt by all the people in their lives. Those people are able to love and support each other and reminisce together about shared memories.
When you lose a baby that you never had chance to meet no one else can share your grief because the loss you feel from miscarriage isn’t about a person that you already know it’s the loss of everything you ever dreamt they would be.
The moment we found out we were pregnant the excitement took over. We started to imagine how our child might look and all the things they might do with their lives.
That’s the other point. It might be Mum’s physically going through it but that doesn’t mean that they are the only ones feeling the loss. Dad’s do too.
When I had my miscarriage I felt heartbroken and guilty. I felt like it was my fault, something I’d done wrong. My fundamental purpose as a woman was to be able to have a baby and I couldn’t.
I felt empty.
Baby Loss Awareness Week always hits me because our baby would have been due this month. If things had been different then that baby would have been turning 4 this year.
I’m a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Maybe that’s just the way I choose to get through the tough days.
If things had been different we wouldn’t have the life we have now. We wouldn’t have had Isla. I’d probably be a very different mother.
The only thing I am still angry about is that the experience of miscarriage before a healthy pregnancy meant I spent the whole time pregnant with Isla terrified something was going to go wrong. Any naivety I may have had was taken away and I wish I’d have just been able to enjoy it more.
The grass isn’t greener.
Isla was born pretty much exactly 9 months after Ash & I got married. To anyone who didn’t know better it looked like a perfectly planned fairy tale. I’m sharing this because I want people to know that isn’t our truth.
Miscarriage isn’t something you shout about from the rooftops; or at least it isn’t something I wanted to at the time. It seemed like while I was going through it everyone around me was pregnant or having babies and it was so easy for them all and I was some exception to the rule.
I want to open up the conversation because I absolutely felt at the time that no one would understand how I was feeling.
The hardest part of opening up about miscarriage when you are in the midst of your grief is that no one knows what to say.
I remember one of the nurses saying to me that “at least you know you can get pregnant” as if that made the situation any less devastating.
I’ve been guilty of it I’m sure. Desperately wanting to fix it by looking at the positives of a situation you don’t have the answers to with an “at least….”
So what now?
I guess all I really want to say to anyone who has had to deal with miscarriage is that my heart hurts for you.
Nothing anyone says or does will fix it but you are not alone and there will always be someone who completely understands every emotion you are feeling.
Most importantly you are allowed to feel however you need to feel in order to heal.