I cried today. Overwhelmed with life. Overthinking and catastrophizing as per usual but today I couldn’t shake it. I couldn’t calm down.
This is a pretty regular occurrence at the minute. I don’t know if its my age, motherhood or this course that I’m on but I’ve been investing a lot of time focusing on where my life is at and where I want it to be. Then beating myself up that the two feel like miles apart.
Please don’t get me wrong I’m beyond grateful for the life that I currently have and the people I have around me. It isn’t really to do with that – more how I view myself as a person.
I decided to share this with you not for sympathy but because I think that there might be other people who have days like this and it helps me at least to think I’m not the only one.
Who are you?
Who are you as a human being?
What inspires you?
What do you want to do with your life?
These are all questions I had to answer when I started this course through work. The course is called ‘Maximising Your Potential” and it’s a year long programme I’ve been on for the last 6 months.
I believe my response when asked was “Honey I’m just trying to get through each day and if my family all make it to the end of the week in one piece I count it as a success.”
But it got me thinking. What do I want to do with my life?
I still have no idea.
More than a Mummy?
Maybe it has something to do with a loss of identity when I became a Mum. To begin with, my focus was completely on keeping the tiny human I just made alive.
Soon there came a time when I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person I saw anymore.
This week I asked Isla what Daddy’s name was… she replied ‘Ash’. Then I asked her what my name was… she replied ‘Mummy’. I said ‘it’s Lucy’ and she shook her defiant little head and said ‘No it’s Mummy’.
This little madam would not hear of it that my name was anything other than Mummy.
That cemented it for me. In her world my sole purpose in life is to be her Mummy. I’d been so caught up in this that somewhere along the line I also forgot I was Lucy.
What’s my problem?
That’s easy! My biggest problem is that I self sabotage. I am the only person who can help me get to where I want to be yet I keep stalling. Always finding new excuses.
Maybe it’s because I’m scared of failure.
Maybe it’s because I’m frustrated I’ve put myself this position in the first place.
All I know is the more I dwell on it, the more I feel like I’ve just wasted a day and have achieved nothing productive.
My tactic to dealing with this funk I get into is to allow myself to feel it for the day – to get it all out of my system.
Then try to do anything that is just for me & makes my soul happy. Long baths, good books, writing, comfort foods etc.
Anything to just calm down & switch off.
I also remind myself of how fortunate I am with the life that I have and the people I have around me.
Basically have a word with myself to get my act together and try to be better tomorrow.
Then if all else fails in true British fashion just have a cup of tea…. Tea fixes everything right?!